Build the Life You Want: The Art and Science of Getting Happier

Chapters 5 and 6 highlight the theme of The Importance of Interpersonal Connection. Winfrey and Brooks use evidence-based arguments to persuade the reader that relationships are vital to a happy life, stating, “Without friends, no one can thrive. This is the clear conclusion from decades of research. […] A life without close friends is like a house in the winter (in Massachusetts) without heat” (126). The authors argue that without friendships, a happy life is virtually impossible. To drive home the importance of this point, they once again utilize a strategic metaphor by comparing the lack of friends to a harsh winter in a cold and isolated house. This image leverages a hypothetical situation of extreme discomfort and downright misery to imply that a lack of friends is akin to a dire and potentially life-threatening situation. In Chapter 6, the authors expand upon this argument by describing different types of friendships and asserting that some are more conducive to happiness than others. This discussion may challenge some common beliefs about friendship, for Brooks and Winfrey argue that “uselessness” (133) is a great quality to look for in friendships. Because the word “useless” has inherently negative connotations, this stylistic decision is designed to contrast sharply with accepted value systems. Having challenged common beliefs, the authors proceed to redefine utilitarian friendships in a negative light, stating unequivocally that any relationships based upon “transactional” premises can never be as conducive to happiness as friendships that are based upon mutual interests or deeper bonds.

These chapters also illustrate The Inextricable Nature of Happiness and Unhappiness, for the authors argue that although conflict may cause temporary unhappiness, it is nonetheless a natural part of intimate relationships, and the authors further posit that intimate relationships are key to happiness. The authors point out that “trying to avoid unhappiness is never the right way to make life better. Think of conflict like the bill for a delicious meal at a restaurant: the only way for it to be zero is not to order the meal. Conflict is the cost of abundant love” (104). In this view, conflict may cause some unhappiness, but this is an unavoidable part of fostering intimate relationships, which ultimately contribute to a greater sense of happiness and fulfillment.

Chapter 5 further demonstrates the authors’ use of specific and specially crafted definitions as a core part of their arguments. For example, they define companionate love in contrast with passion in order to make an argument that may run counter to many people’s beliefs about the nature of successful relationships. Specifically, they contend that companionate love is more conducive to happiness than passionate love will ever be, and this concept flies in the face of the dominant impression created by mainstream culture and popular media. Accordingly, Winfrey and Brooks make it a point to acknowledge that their proposition challenges societal norms, for they state, “[P]opular culture and media tend to portray love and romance unrealistically, leaning disproportionately on magical thinking like love at first sight and living happily ever after” (141). However, despite the narratives portrayed in popular culture, the authors assert that companionate love, characterized by commitment, mutual understanding, and intimacy, is actually more beneficial for happiness in long-term relationships.

In Chapter 6, Brooks and Winfrey again reference digital devices and social media as tools that can hinder the true intimacy that fosters happy interpersonal connections. Their issues with such tools revolve around the fact that using technology as a primary form of communication leaches interactions of vital nuance. As the authors state, “[W]ith these technologies, we lose dimensionality. […] These technologies are to in-person interactions what a black-and-white, pixelated version of the Mona Lisa is to the real thing” (146). Here, the authors use an analogy—comparing digital communication to a pixelated version of the Mona Lisa—to illustrate how profoundly these technologies obstruct the true depth and emotional connection that in-person interactions naturally provide. Depth and emotional connection, they imply, are more important than convenience and efficiency when it comes to building and maintaining meaningful relationships.