Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

A crucial conversation is an interaction that is more significant than a normal day-to-day conversation. Crucial conversations are defined by varied opinions, high stakes, and strong emotions. Discussing the weather or deciding where to go for dinner are not crucial conversations. Discussing finances, firing someone, confronting someone about their unacceptable behavior, or staging an intervention qualify as a crucial conversation. Additionally, the results of this conversation can have “a huge impact on the quality of your life” by affecting the nature of significant relationships (2). A crucial conversation handled well can improve conditions for all involved; a crucial conversation handled poorly can create conflict, division, and resentment and negatively affect all involved.

The “Mutual Purpose” is a way of showing all parties that their priorities are important to everyone else. A “shared goal” creates a “healthy” climate and builds safety (69). If people feel that everyone else is trying to individually win the argument instead of creating good results for everybody, everyone will feel that they have to protect themselves with Silence or Violence. Mutual Purpose also requires “Mutual Respect,” a sincere desire to maintain the dignity of others in the conversation. Recognizing that everyone has weaknesses and strengths helps with establishing Mutual Respect, even when a person isn’t behaving respectfully toward others.