Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

As members of the Harvard Negotiation Project, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen have written Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most (1999). The book is a working guide to initiating dialogue in situations of conflict and guiding those conversations to a satisfying conclusion. The authors are lawyers and business consultants and colleagues at Harvard University, with backgrounds in conflict resolution and interpersonal methods of dialogue and negotiation.

A New York Times bestseller, Difficult Conversations has been issued in a special 10th Anniversary Edition; this includes a fourth part covering the 10 most frequently asked questions about the book.

This study guide uses the e-book version of the 10th Anniversary Edition, published by Penguin Books in 2010.

Summary

In any difficult conversation, the book says there are three different conversations that must be had. They are: the “what happened” conversation, the “feelings” conversation, and the “identity” conversation. In Chapter 1, the authors explain how each of these conversations—or different aspects of the one, fundamental conversation—will play a pivotal role in determining the various motivations, intentions, and desires of the people attempting to engage in a discussion about a difficult or sensitive topic.

In Chapter 2, the authors begin an extended discussion that will last until Chapter 7 on how one can shift to a learning stance when initiating a conversation. First, they explore how to stop thinking about a conversation in terms of right and wrong. It is not that there is no such thing as right and wrong; however, this is not a helpful first step in exploring the various perspectives that have led to the conflict in the first place.

In Chapter 3, the authors explore the vast gulf that can exist between intent and intention. Oftentimes what someone intends to convey comes off completely differently to the person whom they are addressing; their intention can be misunderstood, completely missed, or even reinterpreted in such a way as to do harm to the conversation. When the impact of a person’s words and actions are distinguished from their real intention, progress can be made.

In Chapter 4, the authors focus on a similar dichotomy: the difference between contribution and blame. Focusing on who is to blame creates a dynamic of tension and competitiveness, whereas focusing on how each party has contributed to a conflict focuses on how each person can do better. Chapters 5 and 6 explore feelings and identity, respectively, and ask questions about how emotions can be complex and even betray a person in the heat of the moment. With the right amount of practice, the authors say, we can come to understand that we are more than our feelings, and that our personal identity doesn’t have to be defined by passing emotions or other people’s perceptions of us.

In Chapter 7, the focus shifts to how to create a learning conversation, and how to conduct difficult conversations to achieve the best outcome. Making sure to identify the purpose of a conversation before it begins will ensure that the conversation (to the best of one’s ability) won’t veer off track, and will be guided toward the intended goal.

Chapter 8 reminds the reader that while individual perspectives are important, that the best way to approach a difficult conversation is by beginning from the third story, from the perspective of someone observing the conflict from a neutral and objective vantage point. This will help develop the skill discussed in Chapter 9, that of becoming a good listener.

Everyone wants to be heard and to have their perspective and feelings acknowledged as legitimate. The better listener one can become, the more the other person is going to accept one’s concerns as grounded in the best outcome for all parties, rather than acting as if a difficult conversation is simply a venue for winning an argument and gaining the upper hand.

Chapters 10 and 11 focus on the need to speak with clarity and to ensure that a conversation is actively led and guided to a soft landing. When one speaks with clarity and is explicit in their words and desires, one can be sure that the conversation will focus on the conflict, rather than speaking around the subject for the sake of comfort and not necessarily getting one’s true point across. Part of this entails actively leading the conversation through a series of questions and talking points to ensure that the most important issues are addressed.

Finally, in Chapter 12, the authors summarize their findings and suggestions to provide a summary and review of the book in a way that aims to help the reader synthesize the information provided.

As the final and fourth section of the book, the authors provide a series of 10 questions that contextualize the advice provided in the previous 12 chapters. Each of the 10 questions object to the issues raised in the book; they explore the concept of initiating difficult conversations from the perspective of someone who is skeptical about the authors’ prescriptions.