Me Talk Pretty One Day

On the Paris Métro, Sedaris and Hugh encounter a band of Texan youth debating whether Houston or Paris is the better city. Sedaris regards them with disdain as they refuse to get up from their foldable seats to accommodate the growing crowd on the train. His irritation grows when they proceed to list what Sedaris believes to be minute and inconsequential reasons such as ice cubes and free parking to support the stance that Houston is the better city.

Entering a second train, Sedaris wedges himself between a middle-aged American couple, Martin and Carol, who have taken over the standing pole. The couple proceeds to gossip in English about the way Sedaris smells, mistaking him for a Frenchman who does not speak English. Martin indicates to Carol that Sedaris is a pickpocket and advises his wife to be careful with her pocketbook. Fantasizing about the perfect revenge, Sedaris imagines himself pretending to steal Hugh’s wallet, which would incite the couple to report him to the police, leading to their humiliation. The fantasy is disrupted when Hugh indicates that their stop has arrived. By then, the couple has already reasoned that Sedaris and Hugh are accomplices, thwarting Sedaris’s plans to shame the couple.