While You Were Out: An Intimate Family Portrait of Mental Illness in an Era of Silence

While You Were Out: An Intimate Family Portrait of Mental Illness in an Era of Silence is a memoir by Meg Kissinger, originally published in 2023. Kissinger is an award-winning American journalist who has spent much of her professional career writing about injustices in the mental health system. Her writing encourages open conversations about mental health by discussing the personal experiences of her own life and of others. While You Were Out takes place throughout the 20th and into the 21st century as the mental health care system evolved and Meg’s family grew up. The memoir explores the theme of Loss and Hardship as Vessels for Purpose, and Kissinger is outspoken about The Dangers of Concealing Pain. Her story is both a personal account and an argument for Humanizing Mental Illness and Improving Care. 

This guide utilizes the 2023 Celadon Books edition of the book.

Content Warning: This guide contains discussions of suicide, self-harm, domestic violence, child abuse, substance use disorders, and mental illness; there is also a brief reference to an antisemitic hate crime.

Summary

Meg Kissinger grew up in mid-20th century Wilmette, a suburb of Chicago, with her parents, Jean and Holmer, and her seven siblings, Mary Kay, Nancy, Jake, Patty, Billy, Danny, and Molly. Jean and Holmer both experienced losses growing up and quickly began to rely on one another for support. They married in 1950, and Mary Kay was born soon after. Jean had many children because her Irish Catholic background encouraged it, but she had anxiety and depression and was heavily medicated, self-medicating with alcohol as well. Holmer had undiagnosed bipolar disorder and frequently lashed out at his family but would then become overly jovial and energetic. Neither of Meg’s parents discussed their mental health openly, and she remembers having a great deal of fun with her siblings despite their childhood difficulties.  

When Meg was six, her mother vanished. This became a regular occurrence, with no explanation given to the children about where she was. Jean was in a psychiatric hospital during these times, but this was kept secret from everyone. During Jean’s absences, Meg’s grandma would often help care for the children. Meg often blamed herself, believing her behavior led to Jean’s absences, though this was never the case. 

When Jean finally returned permanently, she was heavily medicated and distant. Meg and her siblings often pretended to be ill or injured to get their mother’s attention, and so when her sister Nancy’s mental health started to decline, Meg thought it was just another bid for attention. Over time, Nancy became extremely volatile and withdrawn, and after several attempts, died by suicide when she was 24. Shortly after Nancy’s death, Jean overdosed on pills and alcohol. She recovered but began drinking more, and Meg withdrew from her family, focusing on school and her budding career as a journalist. She did not process Nancy’s death or grieve her fully for years. 

Meg moved away from home for the first time to Watertown, New York, where she met her future husband, Larry. He came from a stable family and became a source of strength and calm in Meg’s life. In 1986, she had her first child, Charley, and her daughter, Molly, shortly after. Jean spent time with Meg and her family but was diagnosed with lymphoma. She died a few years later with her daughters surrounding her. 

Danny was the youngest boy in Meg’s family, and she always knew that he felt like he didn’t measure up in life. He got in trouble for posing as a Nazi and harassing a Jewish man who he believed overcharged him. The media covered the story and Danny was humiliated. He spent four weekends in jail and became severely depressed and paranoid in the months following, harassing his customers and demanding money from them. When he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, Danny denied having it, instead becoming convinced that he had undiagnosed diabetes. Danny died by suicide in the family home’s basement one day, and Meg’s brother Jake found him. 

Meg and her siblings started to wonder if everyone in the family was “cursed.” She noticed that grieving someone who died by suicide is a unique type of grief and wrote a piece about Danny for the newspaper. Dozens of people reached out afterward, explaining that they too had lost loved ones to suicide because, they believed, their loved ones were not given adequate care.

Determined to improve this situation, Meg decided to learn more about mental illness and treatment. She traveled across the country talking to people who had severe mental illness and repeatedly heard stories about a lack of quality care, housing, and support for families. She also visited group homes, witnessed deplorable conditions, and shared what she learned with the world. 

Meanwhile, her father, Holmer, got engaged to a woman who encouraged him to spend all of his money. They fell into serious debt, and the woman attempted to keep Holmer from his children. Later, Holmer was diagnosed with melanoma, which eventually took his life. Her brother Jake’s mental health declined after moving into a group home, and Meg and her siblings kept a constant eye on him. Meg herself was diagnosed with breast cancer, which was eradicated after months of chemotherapy. 

Meg decided that after telling so many other people’s stories, it was time to tell her own family’s story of mental illness and its effects. All of Meg’s living siblings agreed to tell her everything she needed to share the family’s story, and Meg learned more about her own past than she ever expected. She was able to forgive her mother for leaving Nancy on the day she died and to see Danny and Nancy’s deaths with more clarity. Meg and her siblings remain closely connected to this day, and she feels that the experience of writing her memoir helped her confront her past, grieve her losses, and look ahead with newfound purpose.